January 19th, 2016

"I am inadequate" "Exactly" For my entire life I have always had a sense of shortcomings. I am currently 27, am married to a beautiful & faithful woman & am almost 1/3 of the way finished with a general surgery residency. My life has been filled with strong friendships, a supportive family and a woman that makes me feel like the luckiest man in the world every single day. I am a Christian & it took me a while to figure out my faith. I grew up in the church & spent my summers involved with a great church camp. I had always seen myself as a "great-guy" and had always strived to me the "all-american" in my life. I thought I knew Christ, but the truth was that I did not. I didn't come to find Christ until I hit my lowest point in life. Starting my third year of medical school I hit rock bottom. I had developed a bad habit of using women & partying to entertain my boredom with life. To put it simply, I was selfish & began hating myself for being selfish. I didn't believe that I deserved the great life that I had been given & started putting myself in precarious situations. Looking back I put myself in the situations to try to rectify my good life, if I could put myself in bad life situation I would at least feel as though I had "earned" that situation. I knew that my lifestyle was unsustainable & wanted nothing more than to find joy & happiness in this world. This all came to a head after I destroyed a previously good friendship with someone who cared about me. The worst feeling in the world was the moment when I realized I literally had no regard for this friends feelings. I imagined myself 20 years down the road & realized that I wanted to know the Lord & have a relationship with him. I made a conscious effort to seek the Lord & he saved my life. I am an ambitious person. My goal with this blog is to allow myself a space to think out loud. I am not sure exactly what that will look like, but I like the idea of writing down my thoughts & musings. As a surgery resident I don't have enough time for my wife, let alone spending extra time on the computer, but my faith has felt dry as of late & I believe that a daily blog/diary/reflection time would help to spark my enthusiasm in my faith. The quote I started this post with refers to the first conversation I had that led me to the understanding of grace. During my high-school & college years I tried desperately to figure out exactly what grace, specifically the Lord's Grace, was & I was never able to grasp it. That conversation with my mentor helped to propel my faith. I will also get into the habit of closing each post with scripture & small explanation. Luke 11:9 "And I tell you, as, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you." I sought the Lord & he revealed himself to me in the grandest of ways. If you are looking for happiness on this earth, if worldly pleasures still leave you wanting more, if you are in any way less than 100% happy in every aspect of your life I implore you to pray this to the Lord. "Father I want to see you. I want to know your gospel. I want to invite you into my heart & rest in your peace which passes all understanding. I want you to give me the courage to follow you in every endeavor on this earth. Lord I pray that you fill my heart until it overflows. Create in me a new heart O Lord, a heart that earnestly follows your will until my last breath. Give me the courage to seek your holy kingdom. Allow me to find happiness & joy in you. Amen." Tripp